There was a day where I was driving to work, reflecting on all of the people I had already seen. One thing stood out. They were all jerks. From my parents that morning, to the gas station attendant before work, the ENTIRE world was being SO annoying. I was positively fuming, talking to myself in the car, and that's when it hit me. I realized that the ENTIRE WORLD is not usually comprised of "jerks". It was actually that oh-so-treasured week when I'M the jerk. Well played, hormones. Well played.
So today I offer you, the antidote to anger. An ice cream sundae so delicious you will forget about how condescending the mailman was today. You'll disregard how your spouse is giving you that stupid freaking look, again. You'll laugh about how some butthead cut off you and the car in front of you like a lunatic, only to make an INSTANTANEOUS right turn into.....survey says?????? Taco Bell.
I give you..........
CARAMEL CHOCOLATE (potato)CHIP
(or as I affectionately refer to it around the house as..."GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!")
THINGS TO WHINE FOR UNTIL SOMEONE BRINGS THEM TO YOU:
- Potato Chips- The saltier the better. This recipe originally called for a salt lick, but the chocolate wouldn't stick to it as well.
- A Hershey's Bar- "Oh but can't we use another kind?!" No. No you can't. If it was YOUR recipe you could do it any way you wanted, but it's mine and FOR ONCE we are going to do something I want to do OK?! Every DAY with you.......I swear.
- apology cards
- 3/4 cup of store bought caramel sauce- You want to make caramel?! NOW?! I'm exhausted, my head is POUNDING and my back is killing me. I'm so tired. I just feel like I have nothing left to give, right now....ok?
- 2 1/2 cups heavy cream
- 1/2 cup whole milk
- a medium to large sized bowl with 4 egg yolks, beaten and awaiting further instructions. Good little eggies.
- the heating pad
(I look around....I look around......and I see a lot of new faces. Which means a lot of you are not following the first rule of Custard Club..........Great! You can actually tell everyone. We are not nearly as strict as Fight Club. It's a tough front we put up purely for the street cred.) But I digress...
The first rule of Custard Club is you do not talk about Custard Club....but the second, third, and fourth are:
- GET IT TOGETHER......no seriously. Making a custard is a bit involved and if you have everything near you, life will be way less complicated. Before you start, Get a big bowl. Put ice in it. Get another bowl and put it in the ice bowl. Like it's taking a little icy bath. Awww. Cute.
- ALSO....Get a fine mesh strainer and put it over the empty bowl. This will catch any mistakes that may happen when you introduce the eggs into the hot cream. It'll also catch any vanilla bean shrapnel we might not want in our smooth and creamy ice cream. (It's also a FANTASTIC mask in an impromptu kitchen fencing match. Tested and approved.)
- A WHISK and A LADLE....will also be used. You should probably grab a SPATULA for good measure. You know what? Grab two! Let's get real Food Network with it, shall we?
As always you can do the custard the day before but make sure you do it at least 6 hours before it goes into the machine.
- Put all your dairy in the pot WITH the caramel sauce. I know, man. From here on out it's drool time. RESIST the urge to grab a straw and sit down with your pot of "caramel milk". Get it steamy. DON'T let it boil. I mean, we're angry enough right now.
- Do that thing we do, where we ladle in some of the steamy cream to the beaten eggs, all while nonstop whisking.......only to then turn around and dump that BACK into original pot of caramel dairy we got it from. It's essentially a culinary soap opera. Continue whisking to thicken the custard.
- Dip a spoon in the custard and draw a line through the center. If the clean line keeps your custard spoon as divided as Team Hope and Team Steffy, then take it off the heat and pour it through the mesh strainer....leaving all of your custard's "baggage" behind.
- Chill out. Let the custard cool completely, place a piece of plastic wrap on top and pop it in the fridge. Maybe go watch The Office for a while. You know how much you like to cry when Michael goes to Pam's art show. Oh man. Hang on.......I'll be right back.....
- Now that we've gotten that thing out of our eye, we should go make our chocolate potato chips. It's as easy as you think. Nuke the Hershey's for a minute, stopping every 15 seconds to stir and check to see if it's liquid enough. Dip your chips in and then lay them on a wire rack to dry. Pop them in the fridge to allow the chocolate to harden back up. Make sure you smash them up a bit AFTER the chocolate has been dried. I mean you don't have to wait, but if you're still so angry, maybe you need some yoga and meditation or something.
- Get that little red ice cream machine......(you didn't get red?! Why not?! It's so fun!).....and turn that puppy up! Pour in your caramel custard.....what's left of it, you animal. Turn on the radio and randomly cry to at least 3 songs for no explicable reason. Bonus if it's because you realize that despite it's infectiously peppy beat, "Lovefool" by The Cardigans is actually the saddest song in the world. IN THE WORLD. God I feel fat.
- Right before it's looking ready, add your smashed chocolate potato chips. Let the machine run just enough to incorporate them. The ice cream should actually be about perfect to eat right out of the machine. If you like it harder, by all means pop it in your freezer. Wait patiently, and scoop the most beautiful scoop in the whole wide world. By that time MY sundae will already be contributing to my jeans cutting off my circulation. But you're so foodie. Sorry. I'm just cranky today. SIGH......
- Top your ice cream with a couple of chips, a piece of chocolate, and a generous squeeze of caramel. Kick the dogs off your heating pad, commandeer the remote, and declare vigilante justice on anyone who comes within 3 feet of this sundae.
Let's face it. We all have terrible days, no matter which bathroom door icon applies to us. Sometimes a little naughty salt and sugar combination accompanied with a verbal threat or two is in order. Now go get started on those apology notes......or don't.........sorry..........sheez. You're very sensitive lately.
Makes enough for 3-4 people, technically.
Makes enough for 2 people, realistically.
Makes enough for me, more than likely.
(It will be gone so fast, the process may not be visible to the naked eye.)