Today is one of those ugly-ass days when you're like....."Why am I even wearing pants?!" Unless you don't work from home. Then pants are usually non-negotiable. In this house the term "pants" is strictly reserved for the kind you where when you are forced to leave and participate in society. It is usually said with the same level of distain as the phrases "work out" or "raking". However, the words "snugglies" or (gag)........"sweaties"(That's Player 2's phrase. I personally think it's freaking gross.) is said with the same level of love and affinity as "Super Mario Bros". We will actually lay out our "comfies"......yet another common phrasing.......before we even leave the house, so that immediately upon our return, those puppies go right back on. Literally. I have pants that I wear that are so soft the dogs will follow me around just to lay on them when I finally sit down.
Now don't go and judge me just yet. You should also know that this winter I actually fatted right out of my comfies and into Player 2's. Now judge me. Oh yeah. Feeling hefty? Try a man's XL! Dang!!! You're swimming in them, you Skinny Minnie! BOOM right back to the chips. Paying for it now though. With sweat and depravation.....and by depravation I mean only healthy food and taste testing flavors. I mean.....I have to quality control don't I? The good news is that after one solidly healthy week I feel great in MY comfies.....and even my real pants. Heck, my bra even fits better. But that sucker is still coming off IMMEDIATELY upon entering the home. We should actually just change my coat rack to a bra rack. Then I wouldn't have to hunt them down everyday.
Now if that didn't brighten your dreary day with a little ray of sunshine, then how about a scoop of one? And BONUS...it's kind of healthy enough to keep you in your own "snugglies". Yup......tied that all together quite well, I think.
CERTAIN STORES SHOULD FIX THEIR AUTOMATIC DOORS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS ON THE ENTERPRISE---IN THE RAIN---WHEN I WENT TO GET:
- a bag of oranges- 2 cups of juice and 2 tablespoons of zest.....but not in that order. You will find the reverse way FAR more effective. Otherwise you will find out what citrus is like in an open wound.
Bartender Hint: NOT GOOD. But not nearly as bad as lemon to the eye........or a bottle to the head. What? It wasn't me. I told you. I worked in the Ol' West.
- 1 1/2 cups of whole milk- "WHA????????", you say, "You can't mix citrus and dairy!!!!" Well then the joke is on you, Buddy!!! You CAN!!! And then it's called sherbet! That's right. Sherbet has fruit and dairy and sorbet has only fruit. Stick with me and one day you'll win Jeopardy. Or at the very least a trivia contest.....on completely useless knowledge.
- sugar- 3/4 of a cup but you may need more. Taste it! Fruit sweetness varies year round. But you knew that.
- one lemon- For a teaspoon of juice. That's all. Every line can't be a joke. I'll burn out.
- pinch of salt- Because I said so. And a pinch means a pinch. You're not on Food Network. Save the big flourishes for the weird gymnastic moves you do around the house for imaginary Olympic judges.........that's just me....isn't it?
- 1 tsp of vanilla extract- I feel like the beans would be weird in this, but if you are into it....do you. I mean I'm walking invisible balance beams over here. What do I know?!
- Here's the sick part. You are about to be a full on sherbet convert........Put all ingredients except the milk in a food processor and buzz it for like a minute. Done. What? BTW.....I'm a lucky broad. I have the SICKEST food processor of all time. I registered for it as my..."Here goes nothing! Fingers crossed!" item. It was pricey but I thought a couple people could throw in together and get it but I definitely wasn't holding my breath. Imagine my surprise....neigh my ELATION...when Player 2's boss gifted it to us at the wedding. I tell Player 2 to thank him profusely at least once a week. It's made me the fastest "pico-de-gallo-maker" in all of the land.
- Whisk this mixture and the milk together in a bowl and chill for a couple hours. Perhaps you can spend these hours staring at the same level of a video game that you just can't seem to get past. Maybe you too would "enjoy" endlessly running up the same wall trying to get your character to jump across a stupid ledge but instead he just dives into the stupid water. Either that or he runs into the wall and bounces off so you have to go ALL the way back and restart the time sensitive puzzle from the beginning. Don't worry. It's not YOU who sucks, but the freaking lazy programmers and the stupid controller. And the TRAGEDY.....the actual sadness of it all....is the stupid level isn't even necessary but if you complete it.....you get a new outfit. What?!! It's a really cool one.
- Pour your liquid "cream-sicle" into that magic machine and flip the switch. Move to the center of your kitchen........OK!!! Here we go. THIS is your time to shine! Team USA is counting on you for at least a 9.8 on the linoleum balance beam event and obviously the Russian judges have been killing us all day. You have to hit every move, smile big, and for the love of Bella stick that landing! Throw those arms back and turn to the judges.....now the crowd.....now the judges!!!! A quick and humble little nod to your fans, and you can go put on your wind breaker........with no pants! Well didn't we just come full circle?! Writing master.
- When it resembles "soft serve" it's ready to be scraped into a freezer safe container, have its surface covered in plastic wrap, and topped with a lid. Pop it into your freezer until firm. When I resemble "soft serve" I'm ready to get more active and pop the DVD in until I'm firm. Think I'll skip the plastic wrap part, though.....
So now you have a super quick little recipe for sherbet....that's will be a SURE BET! Get it? Because apparently, that is how you are supposed to say it. Who knew? 35 years and I'm running around saying sherBERT..........like there's a sherERNIE sitting right next to him. Could be worse. I know kids who thought the lyrics to "Here I Go Again On My Own" said....."Like a twister, I was born to walk alone." As opposed to the correct and more sensical lyrics of "Like a drifter"........mostly because twisters don't walk and really aren't "born"...per se. Now if you'll excuse me I'm pretty sure I just figured out how to use our shower rods as uneven bars.