There's no Elf on ANY surfaces in this home. Not on a shelf. Not on a wall. Nowhere. Want to know why? Chucky. That's why. This is a doll-free zone. I've seen "Poltergeist". I saw that episode of the Twilight Zone with Telly Savalas and Talking Tina. I saw a poster for the movie "Child's Play". You tick a psychotic doll off, and you won't even see it coming, man. No thank you.
One day in 1989 I was at the local video store. That's right......video. I'm from "Generation Digital Typewriter". I've used a payphone.....to return a page......that I got on my beeper. I'm on Facebook but Twitter baffles me; and I just plain don't get Tumbler. But I've heard of them. So I get points for youth on that. ANYWAY.........All I was trying to do was rent a sweet new NES game when...BAM......I look up and towering above the counter is a giant poster for "Child's Play". You know.......that CHARMING tale of the demonically possessed doll that comes to life to get revenge on humanity. To say I was scarred for life is putting it mildly. I still remember that poster. And that sneer. And I never actually saw the movie. But I DID make every kid who knew ANYTHING about it tell me every detail they knew. To the point where people actually started to think it was like my jam, because I talked about it so much.
Now I'm 9.......and it's 7pm and I'm sleeping over this girl's house who must have told her older sisters about my weird Chucky obsession.....because they go......"Hey Brooke....You know what we're going to watch tonight? You're favorite......Chucky!" And then they laugh like...."Heh...Heh....Heh......". I swear I was just trying to make sure that little nightmare died at the end!!! And now I'm freaking out because I CAN'T WATCH CHUCKY!!!! Cue "stomach-ache" and a call home to Mom. The sleepover......is OVER.
To this day I don't let me feet dangle off the bed. Still think he might bite my toes off. I don't know. It's freezing and I could use some comfort. How about you?
GROWN UP HOT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM FLOATS
Try To Figure Out Who Moved The Elf Last Night.....(You Know It Wasn't You.....Wait......It Couldn't Have Been..........No.............Could It Have?????).......As You Shop For:
- hot cocoa- Make it according to the package directions. Who am I, Kresken? I don't know if you bought Swiss Miss or Quik.
- a keen sense of awareness- Pay attention and don't be a hero. If something's going wrong in the house....like really wrong.....like possessed doll wrong........please EVACUTE the general vicinity and pray that it's not following you. And don't come over here. Sorry, Buddy.
- schnapps- Your choice! I mean peppermint, raspberry, the sky's the limit! We are putting this booze right in the cocoa so choose wisely. I'm picking mint because if I start close talking after this beverage, I'll want to be minty fresh for you.
This ingredient may dull your senses and inhibit your doll watching ability...all the more reason to not have it in your house.
- a scoop of ice cream- I know this awesome place that delivers.
- cool whip- Just a scoop. But they probably will make you buy the whole container. They made me.
- marshmallow fluff- Again, only a scoop.
- Make your hot cocoa. I mean how does this get easier? It's so easy, the Elf could do it. Shhhhh....wait......did you hear that?
- Once the cocoa has reached "Hot Enough To Melt A Glacier" status add a dash of your schnapps. If you really want an amount, try an ounce. Give the drink a good stir to mix it and.........I'm sorry.....am I the only one that hears that? It's like a "click-click"....like tiny feet....
- Mix together your scoop of Cool Whip and your scoop of Fluff until they are completely blended. This also makes the SICKEST fruit dip of all time....but you have to add cream cheese to it too. Try it. You'll thank me.
- Scoop your ice cream float into your mug. Hopefully you allowed room for our arch nemesis "Displacement". I never do and his resolve is unwavering. Please wait while I clean the counter.
- Drizzle your marshmallow cream mixture over the top and watch it becomes a winter wonderland. Ahhhhhhhhh.......Put up your feet and relax. Maybe we should turn off the all of lights except for the tree........THAT!! Right there. That sounded like an evil giggle! You know what? Forget it. Drink this with every light in the house on and your back to the wall. It's cool. You can put that creepy little thing you've awakened away in 17 short nights. Me? I'm out of here. My stomach hurts.
So go hide your Elf if you must. But be careful, and definitely try not to drop it. Don't stare into those eyes for too long. And whatever you do, don't mock it. If you do the last thing you may feel are two cold little plastic hands tapping you on the shoulder. You just better hope you saved him some ice cream.