What constitutes being an expert in something? Because I have now officially lost count of the amount of times I have broken my left pinkie toe. I have broken it "trying to be a ninja". I have broken it on my photography. I have even broken it........on my dog. I want you to sit back and really let that soak in. I've stubbed my toe so hard that it broke........on my dog. That's like "gypsy-curse" clumsy. Don't worry. The dog is fine. She continues to accidentally injure me all the time.
This time I managed to clip a super cute little mid-century side table that only fits in the most trafficked part of the home. Truly I was asking for it. This is why you should never follow form over function. It could KILL YOU. And by kill you I mean REALLY HURT. A kind of pain that only makes you realize.....in HORROR.....just how important that stupid little toe is to doing......oh I don't know.....ANYTHING.
So crafts?! FALSE. We don't have time for crafts. We have to prepare you for the often underestimated torture that is a broken pinkie toe. You'll thank me someday. Or at the very least think of me.
Welcome to BLINDING PAIN. The initial pain of the freaking stub. The physical pain of the first freaking ice pack. The emotional pain of your freaking spouse being right about not moving that STUPID freaking table the last time this happened. He's probably upstairs secretly gloating. Yeah. Well he better just keep it a secret if he knows what's good for him. Or he'll know blinding freaking pain....
Now that the initial pain spasm has subsided, and you've caught your breath.......elevate, elevate, elevate!!! PRO TIP: Build a pillow slope under your whole leg otherwise your knee and back will feel strain. Might as well start off doing it right. You're going to be here for a while! We also want to ice the bejesus out of that little ham hock on your foot. Because the quicker the feeling goes from....."hunk of ham on your foot"....to ....."fifth member of the Foot Balance Squad"....the happier you will be.
Great job getting through the pain! It's a good thing we don't have to pee. SIGH.......uh oh. Well the good news is, it's possible. The bad news? You're own blood flow is about to make you want to punch yourself square in the face just to relieve yourself from the pain. But you have to go, Buddy.......so put that foot down, brace for the searing hot sting and waddle down the hall. If you move quickly enough, you can have that foot back above your heart before the tears come. Just kidding. You can't. No more coffee today, though. Prop that foot up and try not to move. Let your Player 2 do all the work. The longer you are off that toe, the faster it heals. At least that's what we are telling them. I mean really? This dude DOES know how to put away his clothes......but I have to break my toe to witness it?!
Here's also the part where you should medicate. If you can. I'm also an expert at pill allergies so I get to do things the homeopathic way. Which I do for all things except pain. Pain gets medicated cowboy style in this house. For broken bones we can actually use tequila. Apply it directly to the face. Repeat until pain subsides. Make sure to use on a happy and full stomach. Oh there's no diet today. You almost DIED today. There's only happy calories today.
Don't you feel so much better? Nope. You don't. And you won't. You actually start to feel worse because you've been compensating the way you walk as to not further trigger another pain wave. Your heels hurt. Your hips hurt. Man....your freaking right butt cheek hurts! Poor little guy has been carrying the weight of both legs. I hope we don't get half a giant butt from this. Although big butts are crazy "in" right now......maybe you could be a trail blazer.........
THIS is the day you realize the importance of the pinkie toe. Because all of these muscles that normally get to slack off on the hard work of one little toe actually have to work now. And you my friend.....are not impressed.
Back to food. Back to tequila.
Ok, now you're just losing track of the days. Things don't feel much better, but at least you've learned how to adjust to your new life. Your new "couch-bed" seems to be taking on your expanding shape nicely and the dogs have stopped threatening to jump on your wounded foot because it dare lay atop a pile of cushy pillows without them. Perhaps it's because you scream in completely panicked fear every time they get within a 3 foot radius of the toe. Take that Pavlov.
Boredom is a dangerous enemy on this day. Resist the urge to do things that seem fun if they require standing. It's fool's gold. You bump that baby and you'l be back to DAY ONE pain. You may actually be able to shower today. Make it quick, cool, and then get that puppy right back up. No shaving. We're not rewarding that gloating bastard, anyway.
DAY FINALLY OUTSIDE
At some point you will still be smarting, but well enough to head back out into the world. And guess what?! It's freaking beautiful. Everything is so bright and the world smells like delicious hamburgers. At least it does as you pass Burger King. But keep driving! We need to get back on track. That's why you're headed to the grocery store. You figure you can just quietly limp the aisles, get home, and get back to resting that toe.
But as you "cruise" the aisles you can't help but notice people's silent anger. You can feel the eyes of the person walking just a little too closely behind you as they bore into the back of your head. You hear the audible clucks of impatience as people pass you on either side. You feel badly, but you literally can't move faster. And all of a sudden you realize that every time YOU were that impatient jerk, that person you passed might have had a broken toe. They might have been doing their best, but because you were in a rush that day, they ticked you off. They might have been sick, or had years of clumsy injuries under their belt, and you're breathing down their neck all the way to the register. You're kind of a jerk. Damn.
I share with you these words of "wisdom" to help you be more tolerant of those around you. Maybe if more people were we'd all be a little less quick to jump down people's throats for some perceived slight. There before the lack of grace go I, right? Plus......you never know if that cranky old lady in front of you is an expert at gypsy curses. Why risk it?
Don't worry guys. I'm on the mend, and already planning on ruining another piece of furniture soon. But I challenge....can one actually ruin IKEA furniture?