FOR YEARS I ate nary a carb. YEARS. And I felt amazing. Once you get in a routine it's actually pretty easy to do but it gets boring. But then you find love. And love comes with butter......butter, and sugar, and all kinds of fatty meats. You start to think things like, "Man, the store is so far from my baby, I'm just going to bake the bread for his sandwiches myself." And that's great and I'm super "Little House On The Prairie" that way except the recipe I have calls for 4 loaves which I freeze (or eat) or use throughout the week (lies....doesn't make it past Day 3). So is it any surprise that after my Bread and Butter Binge (I wrote that for the sheer bliss of saying it out loud later), I wake up "glutened-over", worse than ANYTHING beautiful tequila has ever done to me. So how do you soothe that belly ache? You put the "lime in da coconut", my friend. Yeah. Got that right from a doctor. I said DOCTOR!
So this is our first vegan recipe together and I want you to just CALM DOWN. Vegans are probably going to live forever and we need people to take care of us as we rapidly age ourselves with delicious garbage. The recipe also has tequila. Which obviously adds like 100 "delicious points" to it.
ANIMALS REJOICE WHEN YOU FORAGE FOR:
- 2 tbsp of coconut oil- f you don't have it, it's not a deal breaker. It helps make your sorbet creamier but if you just got to have it before you can hit the store I say go for it.
- 2 cans of coconut milk (FULL FAT)- It has to be full fat. It can't be the "creme" or the water. Because I said so, that's why.
- lime zest- You'll need two limes worth. PRO TIP: Do this step BEFORE you get the juice. Things can get slippery and before you know it you've nicked your knuckle and can actually see animated pain lines radiating off of your hand. Just like on the box of antiseptic cream.
- band aids
- lime juice- 2 will do
- 2/3 cup of sugar
- 1 cup of tequila- But for heaven's sake, not from a bottle you found on your porch. Who gifts anonymous tequila?! More importantly, who DRINKS anonymously gifted tequila?! Sorry guys...."Practical Magic" was on and apparently that's the plot point I chose to find fault with. Not the "resurrected by magic" ex-boyfriend of Nicole Kidman, or the SPOILER ALERT surprise ending when all the witches in the family fly off the roof to the neighborhood's applause and delight......nope, I can't get past the fact that after they accidentally murdered someone by over-drugging his tequila, THE SAME BRAND mysteriously shows up on the porch at midnight........and they drink it.
- salt- Just a pinch. We do not need the water weight. And according to my spooky shows, it's a pure substance that a ghost can't cross. So if the tequila happens to be haunted, we are so in the clear.
- an appreciation for my ridiculous knowledge of supernatural "lore"- You won't be laughing when you're safe and sound behind a line of salt safely out of reach of any disgruntled spirits. I just hope you brought rations. You might be in there for a while.
EASY, PEASY, LIMEY SQUEEZY:
- Heat your coconut milk, coconut oil, lime juice, salt and sugar while whisking it until it's all one big happy margarita family. When you hear faint mariachi harmonies of "Kumbaya" in the distance, it's done. Let it cool completely and then chill it in the fridge for at least 4 hours.
- Speaking of tequila, lets get a cup and then heat it up in a sauce pan until it reduces to 2/3 of a cup. Let it cool. If there's a giant panda in your kitchen arguing with you over whether or not it's done, you're done. Put the tequila down. If not for me, then for Panda. He loves you, man.
- After you've chilled that tequila and the mix, you can add the lime zest and pour it into the machine. You've got 10 minutes to kill.....so to speak. (Apologies to my undead readers.) Get out a Oujia board and spell out a thank you note to any ghosts who may have gifted you this spirit. (See what I did, there?) If they are vengeful, let's at least try to diffuse the situation a bit, with a little something called common courtesy. They're probably from a generation that still used it.
- Pop your spooky sorbet in a freezer safe container, put a layer of plastic on it. Freeze it for 4 hours at least......ideally overnight. But if it's gone in the morning and all that's left is a pile of sulfur in its place....then my friend, you have way bigger problems than ghosts. You're going to want to call Sam and Dean for that one.
Vegans, reformed gluttons, and those haunted by ghostly bartenders will all agree that this sorbet is as refreshing as it is soothing to the soul. Unless they didn't get that thank you message. Then they're just going to keep standing at the foot of your bed and staring at you while you sleep. Oh man, I think I'm even going to get nightmares from that one.
Makes enough for 3-4 skeletons.
Makes enough for 2 walkers.
Makes enough for me, but my tummy hurts so you can have some.